A backlog of our little get-together dinner before the Christmas break. Loved the gifts I got <3 You guys are the coolest!
It finally dawned on me
School is fast approaching
Only three days of free time
Yet they have been just
devoted to work
Time is ticking away
I still have a lot on my plate
Would you rather..
Lose someone over something you cannot control, like death? Or to lose him to choice?
Both will cause unimaginable pain and constant hurt. To others, it may be better to lose someone to sickness or sudden death, knowing that he never meant to leave your life permanently, rather than losing him over a circumstance – something he chose and decided upon.
I have experienced both, most of the times the latter which I think hurts even more. When the “losing” happens, it will hit you hard. You’d think that may be the worst part but it isn’t. It’s like what The Script said, “First, you think the worst is a broken heart/
What’s gonna kill you is the second part/And the third, is when your world splits down the middle.” (They pretty much covered it all in their song, don’t you think?) But yes, you’d feel that your world ended with, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.” or “It’s not you, it’s me.” or the worst of them all, “I don’t love you anymore.” But no, it doesn’t end there. Instead, everything will just feel like the universe is conspiring for your ultimate downfall. Like it has been waiting for you to be shattered compeletely, until there is no “you” left in you anymore; until there’s just self-loathing and pity and desperation. Not even your love for yourself (if there’s any left) or the small amount of pride you have left in you aren’t enough to overcome the degree of what you’re experiencing.
I read in a magazine before, a heartbreak was described as (non-verbatim): “…you feel like you’re heart’s been put into a blender and was crushed and mashed..” No matter how much you try to busy yourself to forget, nothing will do. Nothing. The pain’s.. just there. Always, always there. Before you sleep, when you wake up, during the day! Every. Single. Time. It comes to a point that it’s not emotional pain anymore, it conjures into something you can physically and mentally be tormented from. You’ll hate the person for letting you feel these all at once. It is so unfair that you’re left to suffer. Yes, you have friends and family to lean on but at the end of the day, nothing and no one will suffice. Ironically, the only one who can save you from the bottom of the pit is the one who threw you in there in the first place. It is just sad how that is so true.
It sucks, doesn’t it? Wrapping your mind around an idea that you didn’t know was conceivable from the beginning (or you did,you were just afraid to accept it). It’s like when you order ice cream, you know it will eventually melt because it’s a fact. The same goes for people, when you meet them you know there’s a possibility of losing them in time, but you let them in your life anyway despite the risk. I guess that’s how the world is, how it’s supposed to be. Because if everything fell into place when you want them to be; if everything went according to plan.. There’s no excitement, adventure – no pain. That way, people will make mistakes, they will know how it is to love, be loved; to hurt and be hurt. The cycle will go on forever until humanity learns and accepts the fact that there will be some things that can’t be controlled.
It’s difficult but yes, you have to be hurt and suffer. That is the only way you can come out of anything stronger.
That smell that always seems so new to me,
Those eyes that find its way into my soul,
That hair that ruffles so easily,
Those arms that dim out the cold,
That kiss that lingers every single time,
Those fingers that lock with mine,
Are like a drug that consumes me
Never can I have enough of it.
I stumbled upon a blog of a school mate today. She writes so well that it got me writing again. Feels so nice, especially when you have someone to write about.
That feeling that I thought I had before
Turned out to be a mere flicker
But this one; oh, this one is
Definitely better – more
Keeps burning up,
Burning until it’s
I am not at a loss for words,
As most people would be
It kind of surprises me how
I am rather overflowing with them
I have so much to say to you
Repetitive, yes; because it is
Not enough to say it once or twice,
You deserve to hear it every day
Because every day you make me feel
That feeling I just once wished
Now I have it, because of you
I guess what I’m really trying to say,
Is thank you for all the love –
For the hope and the faith
For the genuine happiness,
For the smiles and cheeses
For the truest promise,
For the side deals and pinky swears
So far it has been an adventure,
A six-month old one
And I look forward to more,
So much more.
I have not shared this but I have had a pretty tough sophomore year. My grades were so low and I even failed two subjects, one of them I took for three semesters and the other twice. I felt so delinquent and ashamed, especially to my roommates and batch mates who were doing well in their academics. I was late with some subjects and terrified that if I made another mistake of not studying enough, I’ll be delayed for good.
And so, since my academic downfall last year, I promised myself that this semester will be better. A more responsible and studious me. I’m already in my third year, also known as the do or die year because this year will determine who will be delayed, as our subjects are mostly made up of majors already. And I can tell you, it is HARD. Definitely hard. I didn’t anticipate so much work week after week after week. Professors giving plates, exams, papers and whatnot simultaneously – prioritizing was insufficient. I had to multitask, compromise and sacrifice. Some work ended up inadequate to give way for the way more important ones.
It’s like after you finish one plate (which took hours), there will be still more work to be done. Twenty-four hours wasn’t enough. Day after day energy was sapped away from me. Sleeping so late at night (which most of the time extended until dawn) and waking up 7am to attend my ever so favorite subject, Physics. I became so tired that in every class I felt like sleeping. It just didn’t end!
But God is a god of wonders. Just when you think that everything is at its worst, they will turn over in your favor.
I pushed myself to keep going, pushing my limit to its yielding point. And it bore results! Well yes, not my goal exactly but it will have to do, for now. My grades are average, all passed but some barely. And I do regret some because I could have done better but I am still thankful. Very thankful.
Until now, I can’t believe that I’m finally done with the subject that I kept repeating. Just one more Physics and I’m free! I don’t know how I could have survived a hell of a semester with all the subjects I had, plus org work, plus… All I can say that it was exhausting and fulfilling at the same time. To a better second semester! I will own you!
Now here’s an illustration of a sunflower. For brighter days ahead!